My blogging has slowed down quite a bit, and I am reminded of that every time I scroll through my bookmarks. Oh, Jesus & Tattoos….my blog…whoops.
I just haven’t known how to say a lot of things, and almost came to a place where I didn’t think those things were important enough to learn from. I have grown so much, healed so much, learned how to deal with my own shit so much better, that I almost feel like one of the normal people who isn’t super emo and yet, surprisingly good at virtually articulating said emotions.
The reason I was writing was to give myself hope, and to help other people have hope too, so that at least if it didn’t work for me, at least it wasn’t all a waste of time.
Now that I am under the illusion of being better, I almost have subsided my passion for wellness. We want what we can’t have, and once we have it, we don’t really care about it anymore. It’s easy to take wholeness for granted because we are correct in assuming that we are meant to have it, but letting entitlement spawn apathy is a very dangerous path.
I still feel everything, too, very intensely. And I’m not going to lie those feelings and dismiss them as if they are the unwanted love child of my crazier lifestyle.
I’ve learned that my feelings don’t own me, even if I let them for so long. Yet, they are still very important and have led me to do very great things. I own them, and in owning something it’s good to take care of it. I am very bad at taking care of things I own.
My car needed to be washed six months ago, my guitar was out of its case in that car’s trunk for many days at a time, I hate brushing my hair, and laundry is the bane of my existence. Working out and healthy eating are awesome concepts, but I am sitting on my bed right now with my computer open to Facebook, Pinterest, “How To Find Your Dead Phone”, and my blog……point made.
When it comes to other people’s stuff though, I am a professional. I love washing people’s dishes and am willing to help them sort through all their crap for hours on end, and if they tangibly give me something I care for it like it’s a newborn child. I still have issues with authority and negative feedback, but hey, I will take care of you and your stuff.
Care is not necessarily cleaning up after big messes (which is my pattern), but regular maintenance, which is my enemy, basically.
So, yes I am very bad at taking care of things I own. I want to get better, I want to know how to care better for others, and for me that looks like just doing it.
Emotionally, I need to back off from things that make me feel SO much that I want to vomit, no matter how much I care.
Physically, I need to lay off the….well, most of what I eat, and I also need to lay off the laying….
Mentally, I need to keep doing things that get my creative juices and caring juices flowing and active and PRODUCTIVE.
Spiritually, oh yikes, spiritually…probably start meditating. Actually, yes. Meditating.
Socially, I need to learn to say no to the people that it’s more fun to say yes to, and I need to learn to say yes to people it’s more important to say yes to. This also requires me to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me without being impressed by me.
Economically, oh yikes, again.
Wholistically: I need to be present and content in the necessary state of process. I think this is the hardest and most grace filled one.
I want my life to be something that makes other people feel alive, that makes them feel important, and makes them want to love other people better. The only way my life can be that is if I’m grounded in who I want to be, and if I am pressing towards that.
To end this on a funny (but really just pathetic humor kind of funny) note: this picture is officially going to be my BEFORE picture. Talk to you all soon.